Family meeting is never a good thing
by Anise-Dandely
Summary: What happened when Okita proposed to Kagura? How did her family react? Arrange a meeting between two families of course! But what happened in that meeting?
1. Family meeting only brings disasters

** Taking a break from writing KamuiKagu smut, I'm going for comedy and OkiKagu. **

**Contains some spoilers in later chapters and Kamui's OOc-ness.**

**Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, except for the fic itself. They all belong to the brilliant, genius and wonderful Sorachi Hideaki. **

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><p><span>Family meeting is never a good thing<span>

Gintoki has always disapproved the idea of Kagura having a boyfriend. It feels wrong somehow seeing her walking hand-in-hand with a boy. Especially after the incident with the giant prince or monster or…thing, he completely disgusts with it. And that is just the dating part, what if it was the marriage part? Although he always says that he wants to get rid of her as fast as possible, Gintoki feels sick every time it crossed his mind.

And now… he felt like throwing up a bucket or two when that Shinsengumi boy who always calls him "danna" broke down the door and demanded his Kagura's hand in marriage.

No… literally, he really took her hands, albeit cuffed them and said to throw her in prison. Don't worry, the marriage part was real. However, it's a bit…different. Okita said that Kagura had to marry him or she had to end up in jail due to the Shinigami incident, along with the rest of the Yorozuya of course (including Sadaharu-even though he didn't do anything). He stated that he HAD proposed to her when he caught them on the ship. To be brief, it was a political marriage.

We all know Kagura would never agree with it, even though it concerned her freedom and things like that. She would object it with violence of course. She screamed, kicked around and fought him with everything she got, they would wreck the Yorozuya Office if Shinpachi didn't stop them (earning a few bruises and broken bones along with it). Kagura stated that jails would be much more pleasant than him. Since jails will just be…jails, rather than extra whips, candles or anything else that can hurt her physically and mentally.

Didn't want Kagura to end up behind the cells (since her bald dad would chase him around and cut his head off before he knows it), Gin decided to arrange a meeting between two families, the Shinsengumi and the Yorozuya, like the Tama-Yamazaki case. However, it seemed like luck wasn't at his side. Actually, it was laughing at his miserable state. Without knowing the marriage issue, Umibozou came back because of the "anxious" feeling he got. After knowing the information, Umibozou stunned then screaming that he would kill Gin for not looking after her. He felt like he was getting hit by a giant meteor, lost his second set of hair or Kamui suddenly go bald like him (when he actually thinks about it, it wasn't that surprising, but it still hurt knowing his baldness goes through generations). Speaking of Kamui, that guy also dropped by, asked to participate in the meeting (it was more like threatening actually). So, the Yorozuya's number was added up to five members, including Sadaharu.

The fateful day finally arrived. They met up in a traditional Japanese restaurant. Surprisingly, the weather wasn't bad like the TamaZaki case, no raining, no wind and yes, no storm or tornado either… Actually, they occurred somewhere else, nearby, along with volcano eruption and tsunami too. Even the TV reported them.

"This is the weather report, natural disasters are happening suddenly! It's getting out of contr-"

Shinpachi quickly turned off the TV nearby, stuttered awkwardly.

"G-Gin-san… Are they all because of us?"

"No way…" Gin stated simply, picking his nose.

Two 'families' sat on each side of the table. The left was the Shinsengumi, included with Kondo, Hijikata and Yamazaki, who was forced to come along. While the Yorozuya was consisted with five members (one was a dog, but he deserves more attention). The atmosphere was tense, it felt like a negotiation between two countries during war. To clear off the suffocating atmosphere, Yamazaki spoke first.

"N-Nice w-weather today…"

None of them replied him, which only made things more awkward. However, it seemed like only Yamazaki and Shinpachi was bothered by it. The rest of them kept their poker face on.

"Che… That Sougo is doing stupid things again." Hijikata broke the silence with his complaint, lighting his cigarette in process.

"You should be happy for him Toshi! Our boy has finally found love!" Kondo squealed in happiness like a teenager girl, completely ignored Hijikata's protest about 'our boy' thing. Suddenly, he noticed the huge amount of killing intent coming from the other side of the table as he leaned in and whispered nervously "W-Why is Umibozou here? And who is that boy next to him?"

"He's that girl's father so he should at least be here." Hijikata pushed Hijikata away like a fly.

Umibozou coughed to get their attention, he glared over Kondo, who twitched in fear at his piercing gaze. Umibozou inhaled deeply, like he was preparing for a big speech, but it was just a brief, short statement.

"I don't accept a boy with a gorilla for a father."

"I-I'M NOT A GORILLA! And Sougo is a good boy!"

"Che… The only thing good about him is hurting others for his own amusement…"

Overheard their conversation, Kamui smiled brightly like always, except coming out of him wasn't his usual nonchalant air but a huge black aura that fused with Umibozou's.

"I'm Kamui, Kagura's **older brother**…" He pressed hard on the 'older brother' part "Now, what about that 'hurting others for amusement'?"

"The guy Kagura is about to marry is a complete Sadist…"Gintoki answered immediately.

Shinpachi turned to him instantly, his eyes screamed out 'why did you say that?'.

"Is that so samurai-san?" Kamui turned over to him, his smile darkened "Then I have every rights and reasons to oppose this marriage."

"Me too." Umibozou raised his hand.

"I can't let Kagura marrying someone who has a dog for a mother…" Gintoki spoke casually, pointing at Hijikata who sat in front of him.

"Who are you calling a dog, you bastard?!"

"Sadaharu, can you translate what he just said?" Gintoki pushed his jokes farther by turned to ask the huge white dog behind him.

"Arf!"

"Even dogs don't understand you, you must be some kind of undefined animal." Kamui continued.

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Calm down!" Shinpachi stood up, tried to keep the situation under control.

And he failed…as always. The ash tray was sent flying and hit him right in the middle of his glasses (a.k.a his soul), right in the edge. The luck of a straight man couldn't get any worse. Or so he thought, suddenly he was grabbed by the legs and pulled up violently, his head kept hitting against something hard. Then, Shinpachi realized that he was mercilessly used as a weapon by Kamui to fight against Hijikata (who used Yamazaki).

"So you are that wretched boy's mother?" Kamui gritted his teeth along with his question.

"Are you blind, you fucking idiot? How can I be his mother in any perspective?!" Hijikata shouted loudly.

The two of them continued their human-weapon battle, exchanged a few words in process.

"Oi Kagura' s brother! You are stealing my role! I supposed to fight with him using Shinpachi's glasses stand! That's how Gintama works."

"I'M NOTHING MORE THAN A GLASSES STAND?!"

"Excuse me samurai-san, but I have to teach him how to be a decent mother. Or at least to teach his child to lay his hand off of someone else's sister."

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING MOTHER?"

The fight continued on. Kondo was unfortunate enough to sit in front of Umibozou, who was glaring at him the entire time.

"N-Nice to meet you…again Umibozou-san…"

Kondo awkwardly gave out his hand for a handshake but Umbozou kept on glaring at him, completely unresponsive.

"O-Okay" He slowly retreated his hand.

"Listen here Gorilla…"

"Y-Yes?"

"Your responsibility as a father is teaching your children what is right and what is wrong…"

"Excuse me… I'm not-" Kondo raised his hand, asked for a permission to continue speaking.

"How dare you let him force my daughter into a political marriage, you bastard?" He shouted on top of his lungs.

Umibozou stepped on the table, grabbed Kondo's shirt, completely ruined the (tiny) serious atmosphere between them. And then, nothing was normal anymore.

"Shinpachi-kun…Is this our fate for being a plain character?" Yamazaki asked while his head was being hit with Shinpachi's.

"No it wasn't… It was the damn author's fault…"

Even in this mess, Sadaharu still managed to fall asleep.

**To be continue... **

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><p><strong>I know...I had become ridiculous... I couldn't believe what I wrote... But I will continue it anyway.<strong>


	2. Like I said, more disasters

** Thank you for all of your support! I've never gotten this many reviews before! You rocks!**

** Warning: contains Kamui's OOC-ness.**

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><p><strong>Outside of the room<strong> (Yorozuya's side):

Kagura clicked her tongue, cursing the stupid adults behind the door. She was the one who had to marry someone she hates and yet, they had the nerve to argue in there instead of finding a way to get her out of this. Worse, she was wearing a _furisode_, which she found completely annoying. It felt so restraining, she couldn't move fast or even walking probably. Kagura actually likes its pattern though. It was pink with light flowery decoration.

However, there was something else that made her worried along with her situation. Papi and Kamui. They are like time-bombs, explode right in her face without any warnings. Kagura could understand why Umibozou was there, but what about Kamui? Didn't that guy hate her guts?

She couldn't focus as the noises inside kept getting louder and louder. Annoyed, Kagura delivered a strong, swift hi-jump kick, broke down the door effectively (she didn't know she could do that in a _furisode_).

"SHUT UP!"

Everyone focused their eyes on her, silenced for a moment.

"Oi Kagura, this isn't how a lady should enter the room. You should have said 'excuse me' and bowed down politely." Gintoki pointed at her frustrated girl.

She just clicked her tongue at his words and turned away from the silver-haired samurai.

"Oi, what with that attitude, you brat?"

By then, Kagura took her notice of the room. It was a complete mess. Hijikata was grabbing Gintoki's collar as Kamui was pointing his umbrella at Yamazaki's head. Shinpachi lay unconscious on the floor and Kondo was fainted under Umibozou's foot. Sadaharu was the only normal thing she could find in the room, sleeping soundly like nothing had happened. Kagura instantly marched over Gintoki, grabbed his face and lifted him up.

"Listen here, have you gotten me out of this marriage yet?"

"N-No…you s-see Kagura…" Gintoki stuttered, most of words were muffled by her hand.

"BASTARD!"

Kagura shouted loudly, she turned and tossed her silver-haired father across the room over Shinsengumi's side. Gintoki was sent flying, hitting Hijikata in process and crashed down the sliding door.

"Tch, I missed…" Kagura glared daggers over the man appeared behind the broken door.

"Greet your future husband with his mother and father-in-law… What a nice wife you are." Okita said simply with his dead-pan voice, stepped ON Hijikata's body and walked over the table.

He didn't seem to have problems moving in his formal _kimono_ like Kagura. Kamui stepped on the table and over Okita.

"You are that boy who forced her into this marriage?"

"Yes. You are her brother, correct?"

Without the need to answer, Kamui threw his fist over the brown-haired office, who dodged it fast. Immediately, Okita countered with an upper-kick. Kamui took advantage of his leg, jumped on it and pointed the purple umbrella at him.

**_CLANG_**

Okita successfully guarded himself with his sword.

"You aren't half-bad, Earthling."

"You too, brother-in-law."

Suddenly, a hand was put on Kamui's shoulder. He immediately turned around, saw Umibozou behind him.

"What do you want old man?"

"Don't kill him yet Kamui… I had to have a talk with him…"

Umibozou's voice was strained. It was obvious that he was trying to be calm and adult-like. Okita still kept his deadpan face on as he turned to Umibozou, completely ignored that fact that he was in a fight with Kamui.

"Yes… what is it bald father-in-law?"

That ticked Umibozou right in his spot, blew away any attempts of his to keep patience. He grabbed Okita's collar, shook him like crazy.

"What do you mean by 'bald' you brat?! I'm not bald!"

"Then what do you call the lack of hair on your shiny light-bulb?" Okita reached and rubbed Umibozou's smooth (hairless) head "Opps, I mean your shiny head."

"My hair is just sleeping, waiting for an opportunity to raise again!"

"It must have been waiting for forever, hasn't it?"

"You damn brat!"

Just when Umibozou about to punch Okita, Kagura threw a bottle of _sake_ between them, easily broke them off.

"Tch, you guys are hopeless. So, this marriage thing is off, isn't it?"

"So you want to go to jail huh?"

"As if!"

Woke up from his coma, Gintoki propped his head up, mumbled with blood ran down.

"Let's get back to the table… We can talk this out…"

**_*A moment for waking (beating) up the fainted people and somehow tidying up the place*_**

Everything went back to the way they were before…somehow. The broken doors obviously couldn't be fix, like Kondo's brain. Kagura and Okita joined the table this time, brought the tense atmosphere skyrocketed.

"Ahem… Let's start normally this time… This is my boy, Okita Sougo." Kondo introduced first.

"He isn't your 'boy' Kondo-san."

"Shut up Hijikata-san, I don't want to kill you in front of my future family."

Umibozou immediately glared over Okita and crossed his arms.

"I don't want to accept you as my son-in-law yet."

"Calm down old man." Kamui pushed Umibozou's head from behind, made his face crashed to the table. "I heard that you are a sadist, or something like that. I wonder what will you do when you married my sister?"

"Good question brother-in-law, I will tie her up then *beep* and *beep* or maybe *beep* and finally *beep*"

"Rotten boy" Kamui's veins popped out of his forehead as he planned to charge again.

"A wild China 2 appeared."

Gintoki quickly stood up, grabbed Kamui's shoulder and tried to make him sit down, but his strength was no match for Kamui's.

"Danna, your attack was not very effective."

"Stop that! Or the cops will get me."

"Gin-san, you don't have the right to say that…" Shinpachi said plainly (like his character). "And this is our Kagura…"

Shinpachi looked over, seeing Kagura hogged all of the food on the table.

"Kagura-chan!"

"What?"

"See? I'm marrying this gluttonous, rude, violent and annoying girl for your own good. Yet, none of you thank me for this." Okita crossed his arm.

"Are you trying to mock my sister?" Kamui tightened his fist again.

"And she might become bald like her dad, too."

"She won't! His baldness is because of his stupidity!"

"What are you saying you ungrateful son?!"

Kagura felt veins popped out from her forehead as they continued bickering.

"SHUT UP!"

Kagura threw her empty plate over them, successfully made them part from each other. Kamui clicked his tongue and sat down again.

"Okay, since we all calm down, how about discussing this the normal way?" Yamazaki suggested meekly, tried avoiding being hit by the vice-commander.

"Che… I don't want to accept this…monster into the Shinsengumi."

"Shut up Mayora, like I want Kagura to join you tax-robbers."

"Yeah, I don't want to live in a place filled with stinky men and limited food."

"Don't worry, we will live in a quiet but simple house where we can life normally." Okita looked at her from head to toes "Or maybe it's impossible for a monster like you."

"Tch…" Kagura glared at him, ready to throw something sharp and hopefully it with hit his head "And a sadist like you can?"

The air became tense again, most likely to reach chaos in no time. Shinpachi, being responsive to the situation like he always is, immediately changed the subject (ironically, to its right path).

"Is there any other way to help Kagura-chan without marrying, Hijikata-san?"

"There-"

"He knows nothing about this." Okita immediate shoved a big bowl of rice into the vice-commander's mouth "He is only a worm who lives his life underground."

"He is a rude one, isn't he? Talking like that to his mother." Umibozou wrote down the paper sheet. "If you want to marry my daughter, you must at least have some respect for the elder."

"You too?! I'm not his mother!"

**_"Y-You are being professional now?" _**Shinpachi screamed in his mind.

"Listen here, if you want to marry this girl…" Gintoki imitated Umibozou, wrote something down the sheet of paper. "Supply me with parfaits for the rest of my life."

Shinpachi freaked out, he immediately whispered to Gintoki quietly.

"Gin-san! You really want to approve their marriage?"

"No… I hardly believe he can do that… It's call 'an impossible condition'."

To his disbelief, Okita actually nodded, he stood up and grabbed the busy-eating Kagura's hand.

"Then it's settle, I'm marrying her."

"What?!" Kagura looked up, she tried to throw a punch at him "Get away from me sadist!"

She turned to Gintoki, eyes flared up with hatred.

"I'm gonna kill you bastard!"

"Wait Souichiro-kun! You can't marry her yet!"

"He's right Sougo…" Kondo said calmly.

All of them turned to him, eyes widened from his serious voice. He must have thought of something.

"If you want to marry her…" Everyone gulped at his silence "You must help me get together with Ota-"

Without finishing his sentence, he earned kicks on his face, head, chest, stomach and most brutally-his crotch respectively from Umibozou, Shinpachi, Kamui Gintoki and Kagura. Kondo was out of commission or maybe out of "commission" for his entire life.

"Kondo-san!" Hijikata and Yamazaki rushed over him.

"Ignore that gorilla… I object this marriage!" Umibozou declared loudly.

"Me too… My sister can't marry someone like you. Better yet, she doesn't need to marry anyone."

Cue awkward silence, everyone focus their eyes on Kamui like he said something outrageous, which he did.

**_"Brother-in-law, don't tell me-"_**

**_"Son, I know you don't see girls very often when you're young, but this is just..."_**

**_"Kamui-san, are you-"_**

**_"Is he really…"_**

**_"So Kagura's brother is a…"_**

**_"That monster's brother is actually…"_**

Kamui's face became surprised, he turned around.

"What is it? Is there something on my face?"

All of them came up with an answer the same time.

**_"SISCON!"_**

**To be continue...**

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><p><strong>Come back for more stupidity and Kamui's siscon-ness!<strong>


	3. It had become chaos!

** Review! Yay! *dance around with flowers* Your reviews keeps me alive! I'm so happy to know people are supporting me! Thank you and I hope you can keep supporting me.**

** I'll keep this story going until the end! I won't drop it! I swear!**

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><p>After knowing the shocking truth, everyone settled down once again (except for Kondo, who was lying unconscious on the floor). Okay, so the captain of the 7th division of Harusame is a siscon…It couldn't get any weirder than this.<p>

"Gin-san…" Shinpachi mumbled quietly, only enough for Gintoki to hear. "I don't know how to treat him anymore, this is weird. Look! He is sitting next to Kagura-chan now!"

"Relax Patsuan, just pretend that you didn't know anything."

Shinpachi nodded, stayed quiet. No, actually, the whole room stayed quiet. The tension was thick enough to squash Sadaharu now.

"N-nice weather today…" Hijikata tried to break the silence.

"I said that before vice-captain…"

Everyone quieted down again.

"This is awkward Gin-san. I can't get the thought out of my mind. Kamui-san is actually siscon!" Shinpachi mumbled again, a bit louder this time but obviously Kamui and Kagura didn't hear anything.

"You deal with him, Mayora…" Gintoki pointed at the man in front of him.

"Why me? What about you?!"

"I fought him once before, I can't do it."

"Then you do it Yamazaki." Hijitaka ordered the poor man roughly.

"What? B-But…"

"Do you want to disobey me?"

Yamazaki swallowed hard. The glare in Hijikata's eyes was piercing him right through his head. Sighed in defeat, Yamazaki forced a smile and raised up his hand.

"N-Nice weather today…"

"What with the 'nice weather today' thing?! Why do you keep saying that?" Hijitaka grabbed Yamazaki's collar, shaking him like crazy, half whispered-half shouted.

"I-I don't know what to say anymore!"

Hijikata turned to Gintoki, whisper-shouted again.

"Then you tried perm-head! They say men bond through fights!"

"The only thing men bonds through is *beep*ing each other in the $$hole using cooking oil! You do it Umibozou! You are his father!"

"He cut off my arm, you idiot! I haven't seen him for at least five years!"

"Then it's your turn Mayora!"

No more choice left, Hijikata turned to Kamui, put up his best smile, which became weird instantly.

"N-Nice weather today…"

Immediately, he earned a bowl of rice filled with red beans right into his face.

"You are a fucking idiot!"

Okita overheard their conversation as he picked up Hijikata's mayonnaise bottle and let the yellow substance ran down the vice-captain's head.

"I'll let you drown in your favourite dog food. Be thankful Hijikata-san." He then turned to Kamui "So, you are a siscon. Quite unexpected."

"Souichiro-kun!" Gintoki shouted loudly.

"It's Sougo."

"What are you talking? I just don't want my sister to marry the wrong person, like you."

"To you, that 'wrong person' is everyone, not just me."

As Okita and Kamui continued discussing their "siscon" matters, Kagura quietly crawled over Shinpachi and Gintoki.

"Oi, those two are weird. They are saying something about 'siscon' and stuff. What is it?"

"Listen Kagura, this is a thing that only adults should know." Gintoki said seriously.

"So, the girl who saw you threw up your _tama_ shouldn't know?" Kagura gave him the best you-don't-say face.

"I've thrown up my soul before?"

"No… You threw up your balls as her lucky money in chapter 382…" Shinpachi mumbled.

"No, it was dango, Patsuan… I'm not that dirty."

"Yes, yes you are."

Hijikata coughed to get their attentions as he pointed over the two bickering men.

"I did my part, it's your turn to clean up that mess."

"The one who only said 'nice weather today' doesn't have the right to say that." Gin turned to the bald man next to him "You do it Umibozou, as his father, it's your duty to cure your son's…sickness."

"I've lived with him for fifteen or sixteen years, but I was hardly home! How do you expect me to deal with something I don't know?"

"It's your fault for being a bad father! If you can deal with your bald head then you can deal with your son!"

"I can't deal with my baldness, idiot!"

"Didn't you say your hair is sleeping and waiting for an opportunity to raise again?"

"Are you calling me a liar, perm-head?"

"Ah… The light on your head is so bright. It's blinding me." Gintoki said with his deadpan voice, tried to cover his eyes clumsily.

"We're on a completely different subject now." Yamazaki tried to cut in between but it was no use.

"Yamazaki-san, that's not how a straight man work. You must yell." Shinpachi took in deep breath "WE'RE MISSING THE POINT HERE!" And he released all of them in a single shout.

"SHUT UP!"

Umibozou and Gintoki punched him at the same time, sent Shinpachi flying against the door.

"SHINPACHI-KUN!" Yamazaki quickly dashed over and helped his fellow plain characters.

Shinpachi was coughing blood, he smiled weakly.

"Yamazaki, I don't think I would survive through this… However, I can't leave Gintama behind." He coughed out blood violently as he leaned onto the door again, took out a scroll in his clothes "Gintama isn't anything without a straight man. So, I'm leaving this 'Straight man secret technique' to you…" He gave his last smile, fainted against the door "Y-You must complete m-my role…"

"Shinpachi-kun…" Yamazaki touched his face as he saw his eyes closed comepletely "SHINPACHI-KUN!"

"SHUT UP ALREADY!"

Their 'touching' moment was cut off as Kagura landed a kick in Yamazaki's head, who crashed over Shinpachi.

"What the hell are you two doing?! It's disgusting! Shinpachi!" She turned to the glasses one "You weren't being a straight man! You are missing your role dammit! No one wants a Shinpachi who isn't a straight man!"

"That's rude! I want to change role at least once in a while!"

All of them went into their own world with someone else to argue with. Suddenly, a forgotten voice made them snapped out of it.

"Excuse me…" Kondo, who was probably out of "commission" forever, woke up "Where are we now? Have the marriage been settled yet?"

"NO IT'S NOT!" Kamui landed a kick into the poor man's face, made him fainted again.

"Kondo-san!" Okita and Hijikata rushed over the fainted (again) gorilla.

After a second of inspection, Okita sighed.

"Yep, he's dead." He took a marker inside his _kimono_ and started drawing lines on the gorilla's face "And the rest of his generation is too."

"What do you mean?" Gintoki asked.

"His balls are squashed." Okita turned to Kagura, who looked at him wide-eyed "By this monster here. As compensation, you are marrying me."

"How are those two related?!" Kagura threw another dish at him.

"So his balls are squashed?" Kamui looked at the fainted gorilla amused "Then I guess his *beep* isn't necessary anymore right? I'll cut it off then." He turned to Okita, gave a mocking smile "You might need it."

"I'm pretty sure you're the one who needs it… Most of the Gintama fans thought you were a girl at first. Even the author…"

"What?" Kamui looked up with veins popped out of his head. "You too?"

_"I swear I didn't! Okita! Don't lie! The story is off of its right path!"_

"She's lying brother-in-law…"

_"Why are you insisting on framing me?!"_

He looked up, smiled darkly. Oh, I understood.

_"Because I didn't let you marry her at first? Oh come on… You are jealous, aren't you?"_

"Brother-in-law, she said that you look like a girl to me… Since you have long hair and all."

"Really now?" Kamui cracking his knuckles, glared daggers.

_"I didn't! I swear!"_

Kamui jumped up, finding a way out of the screen.

"No Kamui-san! Don't kill the author! Or the story can't be continued!"

"I don't care!"

_"HEELPPP!"_

…  
><strong> To be continue...?<strong>

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><p><strong>...<strong>


	4. Normal? What is that?

**Okay...Where am I? What happened? Forget that matter, might as well write a story...**

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><p>Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl, whose name was-<p>

"Stop! That's the wrong story!"

"Kamui, it's your fault that it became this mess." Umibozou crossed his arms in disagreement. "The author got revived as a zombie! She couldn't remember anything others than reviews!"

"it's her own fault for mistaken me for a girl." He smiled nonchalantly "She should be grateful that I gave her a swift death."

So, everyone had to face the dragon to save the pri-

"Stop that author! You are getting farther and farther away from the main storyline!"

"She's long gone from the storyline after chapter 1…" Gintoki patted Shinpachi's shoulder.

"Che…Let's get this story over quickly. I said that there is-" Immediately, a chair went flying and hit flat on Hijikata's face.

"Shut up Hijikata-san, the author doesn't want to end this story that fast."

As result, the whole humanity was saved by the hero named…something. I couldn't remember his name.

"I don't want to stop her anymore…" Shinpachi shook his head slightly. "She couldn't remember what this story was about."

"In short, if you all want this to end quickly. Let me marry that monster."

"There's no way I'm gonna marry you! What with you and marrying me? Normally, you would just throw me in prison or something."

"You've hurt my officer's heart. You'll have to marry me."

"What with you and marrying me?! No is no, got it?"

The sun was shining beautifully as the children came out to play in the fine weather.

"Oi author! I though you said if I help you, you would make her agree to marry me! I took me a lot to at least revived you into a zombie."

_"Characters in my stories can't break the Fourth Wall. Who are you?"_

"This is bad Gin-san… She is a huge Gintama fan yet she doesn't remember Okita…"

"The worst has to be that we are literally stuck in this mess! The wedding wasn't even decided! Wait…" Gintoki mumbled something as he turned to Okita. "Souichirou-kun!"

"It's Sougo…"

"You said you would save her if she made Kagura marry you?"

"…Oi author, horror might sound nice."

He is coming. He is getting closer. His footsteps echo through the narrow hallway as the screeching of his knife becomes louder and louder. No. I'm afraid. He's here. He's here. It's hot. Something hot tickled my neck. N-No way. He's-

"STOP! STOP! STOP!" Gintoki covered his eyes and ears in hope of blocking the author's (horrible attempt of writing) horror story. "I can't sleep at night if she keeps writing these!"

"Yorozuya-san… It's really bad you know…" Yamazaki sighed "I'm sorry miss author though…"

_"Don't worry, I'm not good at writing horror anyway…" *sulk*_

"Now you made her sad…" Umibozou chuckled "Wait, mother-san, what are you doing in that vase?"

"I found the entrance to the Mayonnaise's Laputa…"

"You're stupid Mayora…That dog-food thing you always eats filled your brain…" Kagura threw the vice-commander a disgusted look. "I don't forgive anyone who tainted Laputa, your disgusting dog-food doesn't exist up there."

"That's why I want to marry her. Minus the Laputa part." Okita nodded to Kamui.

"You don't like Laputa, brat?" Suddenly, Kamui grabbed the officer's collar, pulled him up. The purple aura surrounded Kamui thickened quickly "Laputa is a place where everyone wants to see just at least once got it?!"

"He's right!" Kagura appeared between them, hands on her hips proudly "Laputa is heaven!"

"You got it Kagura-chan!"

"…okay…we must wake the author up somehow to finish this story quickly. I'm getting really tired here." Hijikata complained as always.

"First, we must somehow get her to remember Gintama first…" Shinpachi shoved Gintoki "Do you remember this white-perm-head lazy ass?"

_"He does seem familiar…"_

"That's great!"

_"However, I can't remember it…"_

"Zombie does have short-term memories…They are generally stupid" Gintoki picked his nose nonchalantly as he turned over Kamui, signalled him to come over.

"What is it samurai-san?"

"Do you remember this guy?"

_"He looks REALLY familiar… I can't remember him… But…"_

"But?"

_"I really like him!"_

"This girl is hopeless!" Hijikata shouted loudly. "Her brain is damaged like Kondo-san's."

"What is happening?" A forgotten voice surprised everyone.

"Kondo-san!"

"W-Who are you people?" He looked at them with wide cartoon-like eyes. "Or better yet… Who am I?

**_"N-No way… You lost your memories like her?!"_** Everyone shouted loudly in their head at the same time.

The sun was shining beautifully as every-

"Stop writing those random lines author-san! Finish this story already!" Shinpachi shouted "We can't handle two amnesic people!"

"Let her marry me then this will over in an instant." As usual, Okita voice was deadpan.

"Over my dead body Earthling." Kamui immediately stepped over to shield Kagura from Okita. "Let me make that damn woman remember." Kamui jumped off the screen again.

**CRASH**

**BANG**

**CLANG**

"She ought to remember now…"

Everyone sat down their seat as the heat of Kagura's wedding memories continued.

"She remembered!" Yamazaki shouted happily "What did you do Kamui-san?"

"Wait a minute…This isn't the author writing, isn't it?" Gintoki looked over Kamui.

"Why did you say that?"

"She would try to make the sentence as long as it could be, this isn't her."

"Oh my, you are smart. I kinda ripped out that dumb author zombie's brain and place it in the Sorachi cyborg. So, it's Sorachi's body with half of the author's brain in there. I can only manage to save half of her brain, the other half is already rotten."

Cue awkward silence…

"…I don't know whether I should be impressed or terrified…" Shinpachi backed away from Kamui slowly.

"Now what?" Gintoki picked his nose in a nonchalant manner "Continue on with the meeting?"

"I disapprove this." Umibozou raised his hand.

"Me too."

Okita sent all of the Yorozuya a quick glance. He sighed and crossed his arms in dismay.

"Then you are going to jail China."

"As if!" Kagura quickly turned to the large white dog behind her, who still manage to sleep without any worries. "Bite him to death!"

Sadaharu lazily peeked opened with one eye, looked at his master. He yawned loudly and fell asleep again.

"Oi! You ungrateful dog!"

Gintoki sighed at the sight of Kagura yelling Sadaharu. He wanted to get this over quickly but not having Kagura marrying that tax-robber. It seemed like it was going to be a long day (which it was).

**To be continue...**

"OI! What with the 'To be continue' crap?! It had been four chapters already dammit! A meeting can't last that long!"

** To be continue...**

"Don't ignore me dammit!"

** To be continue...**

"OI!"

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><p><strong>Reviews for Sorachi-author cyborg? Sorry for the late update, exams are coming up.<strong>


	5. Towards the sunset we go!

**Yeah, I admit it, I was lazy... But I didn't go back on my words (albeit a little late) I updated the final chapter! Enjoy!**

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><p>"Patsuan, what are you doing?" Gintoki turned to the glasses one, seeing him packing some of the food home.<p>

"We might survive for two weeks with these. Our food supply has run dry for the past few days."

Overheard them, Hijikata clicked his tongue in annoyance.

"Tch, don't take advantage of this meeting you uncivilized-monkeys. You should be glad having the opportunity to sit at the same table with us."

"Look, a man eating dog food said we are monkeys. He has no shame at all, doesn't he? Oh wait!" Gintoki smirked mockingly "He is a dog himself so he doesn't have any shred of dignity left."

"Said the one living off cat food and panchiko. Look at the Shonen jump heroes! Why can't you be like them a little?" Noticed Gintoki's slight irritated face, Hijikata continued his insults "What with this perm-head? Why can't they be spiky like Nar*to or L*ffy? And what with your clothes? Are you trying to be cool or what? Let me tell ya something, it sucks."

"Shut up you dog-food lover! What about you? Can't you be a little more like Hijikata Toshizou from Haku*ki? I don't remember that guy likes dog-food or a chain-smoker! And let me make this clear. My clothes are extremely fashionable got it! A whole planet wants it!"

"…As their uniforms..."

"Shut up Patsuan! Whose side are you on?!"

"Obviously I don't want to be stuck in this mess! Have you forgotten our original goal?!"

"SHUT UP!" Kondo, who was forgotten for quite a while suddenly rose his voice. "What with you guys and arguing?! I don't remember a single thing but since we all agreed to sit in the same table then we must have at least get along! Aren't we friends?"

"K-Kondo-san…"

Everyone went quiet. It was the first time that they had heard the gorilla said something decent so it was quiet surprising. Especially Shinpachi, who never thought he could see this side of his.

"Kondo-san… I never thought you could…"

**CRASH**

"You're the one who should shut up."

And he was beaten up again by none other than Kagura. She threw him a disgusted look as she clicked her tongue.

"Coming out from you made me feel sick to my core."

"Domestic violence." Was all Okita said. He ripped out a piece of paper and wrote on it "Since this married proposal failed, you are going to jail. Let see…you will be staying there for about… the rest of your life! How surprising…" Okita said with his deadpan voice, but his eyes glinted with amusement.

And suddenly, an umbrella came flying at him. Okita dodged it quickly as always, made it stabbed into none other than Kondo's butt.

"The big one… then it's China 2. Any objections?"

"Plenty actually… First of all, my umbrella is stuck into the filthiest place on the Earth. Secondly, my sister is in jailed with you standing outside. I don't feel pleasant with that idea."

"So you DO know some SM play."

"What have you been teaching your kid?! What kind of mother are you?!" Umibozou lifted Hijikata up by his collar, shaking the poor guy furiously.

"I'm not his mother! And how the hell should I know?! This rotten kid picked those things up on his own!"

Suddenly, an unfamiliar voice came in, accompanied with the sound of the sliding door.

"Captain, it's time to go home. We got a lot of things that need your attendance."

Kamui turned to the voice's source. He frowned and clicked his tongue quite loudly.

"Abuto… What do you want?"

"I just said it…"

Okita smirked as he pointed to the tall man at the door.

"Your mother is calling you. Time for babies to go home. Bye bye baby."

"Shut up Earthling." He turned to his 'work-load' "Can't you see I'm busy Abuto…"

"Honestly, I can't.** I'm **the one who is busy. You threw me tons of paperwork then suddenly disappear! It took a lot of time to find you."

Abuto silently hoped his words somehow knocked some senses back into his superior, but Kamui crashed his hope like he usually would.

"So?"

"What do you mean by 'so'?! The work is yours to begin with! Why do I have to take care of it!"

"I kind of understand how you feel." Hijikata spoke casually, stepped closer to the sandy-blonde Yato. "The boss, all of them are the same, throwing us a bunch of paperwork then run of doing something ridiculous."

"I'm glad you understand. You must also have things rough, huh?"

"Exactly. Mine is a stalking-creepy gorilla."

"Mine is an immature 18-years-old with sister-complex problem."

Hijikata looked deep into Abuto's eyes and vice versa. They stared like that for a moment or two then suddenly, they grabbed each other hand tightly.

"I've never met anyone who understands my situation that clearly." Hijikata said with his voice slightly trembles.

"M-Me too...Bosses are pain-in-the-ass right?" Abuto replied with the exact amount of appreciation.

"Let's go watch Peroro as a celebration for our new alliance."

"Yes. Let's"

With that, both of them went off to the cinema without looking back, kind of like the 'walk towards the sunset' screen, but instead of two lovers, we get two (very desperate) men. A moment of awkward silence...

"W-What just happened?" Yamazaki stuttered.

"I have no idea..." Gintoki looked at the disappearing shadows of the two, he shook his head furiously to snap himself out of the trance "Let's get back to the meeting today."

"I disagree." Umibozou and Kamui replied instantly, made Okita glared at them.

"I don't want to get marry yet, especially to this sadist here."

"Wait... 'yet'? Kagura! You aren't going to get marry. Ever!" Umibozou rushed to his daughter immediately after hearing what she said.

Gintoki looked at the clock, wondering how long had this been then he noticed something.

"Oh, it's time for me to go."

"Go where samurai-san?"

"To save the world, fight evil or whatever Shounen Jump heroes do."

Okita sighed, he understood what the perm-head meant when he said 'save the world'.

"Panchiko, isn't it?"

Without answering, Gintoki tensed up and ran away immediately.

"STOP USING YOUR MONEY ON PANCHIKO GODDAMMIT GIN-SAN!" Shinpachi chased after him, shouted loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear.

The room fell into silence again. Yamazaki scratched his head, nodded politely.

"So I have to get back to do the paperwork. Hijikata-san would get mad…"

Kagura coughed to get Okita's attention and she succeeded.

"I'm leaving." She slid the door opened, before he could stop her with a witty statement, she stopped him "If you want to get married with me that bad, proposed nicely next time asshole." She gave him the final glare before leaving the room.

Okita was quite surprised at her words. He actually froze for a moment before regaining his consciousness.

"Who would want to be nice to a monster to you? But I will reconsider that China freak."

"Dumbass." Her insult could be heard from afar, caused a small smile on Okita's deadpan face.

He picked up his sword and left the room, pretended that he forgot the fact that there were three people overheard their conversation. Well, two actually, one is completely out of commission. He didn't want to get killed by two raging Yato after all.

Speaking of Yato, Kamui and Umibozou had their mouths wide opened, paralyzed by what Kagura said. She actually wanted to get married to that guy?! Delayed for a second, Kamui put a hand on his father's shoulder.

"I kind of understand of you feel old man…"

"Don't worry, I knew you would."

Without any further delay, both picked up their umbrella (and of course Kamui's one was in Kondo's butt) and chased after the unfortunate police man. Don't worry, he would survive, since he had a wedding to attend to as a groom… in the near future…

**-END-**

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"Um… sir?" The waitress poked the unconscious gorilla on the ground "Please wake up and pay the bill please…"

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><p><strong>It's finally over *cry tears of joy* i keep getting these itchy guilty feeling as I remembered this un-finished fic... Now I can finally rest in peace!<strong>


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